The Many Sides of Trelawney
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Has Trelawney gone insane? Or is Remus Lupin just imaging that she's singing to him? A response to a fanfic challenge.


Notes: This was a response to Milla's fanfic challenge. It had to be Lupin/Trelawney to some extent, many crystal balls being used and a song from Moulin Rouge. JRK owns the characters, Madonna owns the song originally ... not sure who else owns it, but it's not me. This was inspired completely by the song and by the scene in Moulin Rouge that uses this song.   
  
  
The Many Sides of Trelawney  
  
  
Remus Lupin leaned back in his chair and ran his hands over his face, resisting the urge to put his head on his desk and go to sleep right then and there. He was supposed to be marking papers, hundreds of papers, boring papers on the Doxy, otherwise known as the oh-so-exciting Biting Fairy. There was only so much one could write on a Doxy and most of the students had written the same thing over and over and over and over again until Remus felt like his head might explode into a thousand pieces. If he had to read one more time that the Doxy's body was covered in thick black hair, he was going to go find one of the little beasts and force it to bite him, just to put him out of his misery.  
  
It wasn't that Remus didn't like teaching at Hogwarts, far from it, but he hated marking papers that he felt were little use to the subject of defence against the dark arts. He was willing to bet what little money he had in Gringotts on the fact that even the students with the best papers would run around screaming if they were bitten by a Doxy. Still, it was part of the job and his students would be expecting their papers back the next day, so he dipped his quill into his ink well and continued marking.  
  
"Good afternoon, Remus," a voice said from his doorway and he glanced up to see Sibyll Trelawney standing there.  
  
He smiled slightly. "Hello, Sibyll."  
  
Sibyll Trelawney was not one to be called conservative and she seemed to encourage this perception by wearing the most outrageous things she could find. Her red hair was wrapped up in a pink silk scarf, the ends trailing across her shoulders and she was wearing lavender robes that evening, bewitched the sparkle with stars and planets. Her thick glasses perched on the end of her nose and Remus noticed a new addition to her regular costume, a thick strand of beads that kept her glasses secure around her neck should they ever drop off her face.  
  
"You're marking papers," she stated, coming into the room.  
  
Remus nodded. "That I am."  
  
Sibyll had more bracelets and necklaces than Remus could possibly count and a thick ring glinted on each of her fingers. The thing that caught him off guard was the crystal ball that she was carrying. A thick mist swirled through it and she caught him staring at it and looked down.  
  
"Beautiful, yes?" she murmured, one of her hands hovering over it. "I need to bring at least one with me whenever I leave my tower."  
  
Remus nodded again. "I see."  
  
"In case it tells me anything . . . important."  
  
He nodded a third time. "I understand, Sibyll."  
  
She glanced at him, a tiny smile on her thin lips. "Do you know what it told me on my way down to the great hall, Remus?"  
  
He forced a polite smile to his face and shook his head. "No, Sibyll, I couldn't say that I do."  
  
"It told me that . . ." she paused dramatically, then plunged onward when Remus didn't say anything, "That you and I are in love!"  
  
Remus stared at her, then raised both eyebrows in her direction. "We are?"  
  
"The crystal ball showed it to me," Sibyll told him. "I wouldn't lie about such a thing, Remus. The crystal ball has decided my future . . . our future." She put the crystal ball down on a desk and walked up the aisle toward him, but instead of stopping in front of him she walked to the window behind him and picked up the crystal ball that sat on the sill. Remus frowned and glanced toward the first crystal ball. Did the bloody things multiply?  
  
"Ahhh," Sibyll murmured from behind him. "This one is telling me the same. You and I are destined for each other. I can see it."  
  
Remus stood from his chair and turned around to see Sibyll staring deeply into the crystal ball in her hand. Another one sat on the window sill in its place. They did multiply, that was the only answer he could come up with in the severely strange situation that he now seemed to be in.  
  
"Are you sure you're reading them right?" Remus asked weakly.  
  
Sibyll put the crystal ball down with a thump and glared at him. "Are you questioning my inner eye?"  
  
"Uhh . . . no?"  
  
She glared for a moment longer, then relaxed and went back to her crystal ball gazing. "I can't think of another person I'd like the ball to show me, Remus," she said, then blushed slightly. "If I may be quite truthful, I'm very happy that we're destined to be together forever. In fact," she glanced up at him, "I've made it through the wilderness somehow, I've made it through."  
  
Remus' eyes widened. "What?"  
  
"I didn't know how lost I was until I found you," Sibyll continued, advancing on Remus. He backed up until his knees hit his desk, then stumbled around it and backed down the aisle in the classroom.  
  
"I was beat," Sibyll continued, her voice taking on a distinctly musical tone. "Incomplete. I'd been had, I was sad and blue."  
  
"That's too bad," Remus said, now frantically looking for an escape. He turned slightly to see three crystal balls sitting in the doorway of his classroom. The damn things didn't just multiply, but they were in on the entire plan. The bloody crystal balls were trying to block his escape. Where the hell had they come from?  
  
"But you made me feel," Sibyll sang softly, "Yes, you made me feel shiny and new!"  
  
Remus made a break for it, jumping over the crystal balls in the doorway and fleeing down the hall.   
  
Sibyll followed him, then paused in the hall and belted out, "Like a virgin!"  
  
The students that were in the hall stopped and stared at the professor, wondering what could have possibly gotten into her. Remus ignored her and ran, pushing students out of his way as he bolted down the hall.  
  
"Touched for the very first time!" Sibyll's voice followed him and when he changed a look back he could see that she was quickly gaining on him. The woman could run, despite all the jewellery that weighed her own.  
  
"Like a virgin," she sang from close behind. "Listen, Remus, our hearts beat both in time!" She had another crystal ball in her hand and was thrusting it toward him. "Look into the ball, Remus. The crystal ball with explain everything! Trust me! I'm gonna give you all my love! My fear is fading fast! I've been saving it all for you and only love can last!"  
  
She had gone completely insane, Remus decided as he ran. That was the only logical answer to what was happening. The fumes in her tower can finally gotten to her and Sibyll Trelawney had gone completely and totally bonkers. Why else would she be running around screaming song lyrics that weren't quite appropriate for the first years' ears? And why else would crystal balls be appearing all over the place as if they were popping out baby crystal balls left, right and centre?  
  
That thought made Remus screech to a halt as he realized that *he* was the one who was seeing the mysterious crystal balls everywhere. Maybe that meant that he was insane and he was just imagining the entire experience. He turned around, fully confident that there would be no one chasing him down the hall, least of all Sibyll.   
  
That conviction was shattered when she careened into him, then grabbed him around the waist, tossing her crystal ball to the ground in the process.  
  
"You've made me feel I have nothing to hide," Sibyll sang. "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Like a virgin. Our hearts beat both in time."  
  
"I'm insane," Remus muttered, shutting his eyes. "I'm insane, I'm insane, I'm insane, I'minsaneI'minsaneI'minsaneI'minsane!"  
  
"Like a virgin!" Sibyll sang with her entire heart in her performance. "Feels so good inside when you hold me and you touch me!" She nuzzled against Remus' chest as she sang this.  
  
Remus' eyes sprang open. "Maybe I'm in Azkaban!" he exclaimed. "I'm insane and in Azkaban and this is my torture!"  
  
"Like a virgin," Sibyll murmured from below and he glanced down at her.  
  
"I'm not insane," he moaned. "This is really happening."  
  
"Feels so good inside."  
  
Remus closed his eyes and heaved a sigh. Well, when all else fails and you can't beat 'em . . . what was the Muggle expression? Join 'em?  
  
He opened his eyes and looked down at Sibyll and sang, "You're so fine and you're mine. Makes me strong, yes, you make me bold."  
  
Sybill looked a little shocked that he had decided to sing back and she loosened her grip on his waist.  
  
"Oh your love thawed out what was scared and cold!" Remus sang, grabbing her and spinning her around in the hall. "Like a virgin!!! Touched for the very first time. Like a virgin. Our hearts beat both in time," he sang, grabbing her hand and pressing it against his chest.  
  
Sibyll unwrapped her arms from her waist and backed down the hall, staring at Remus like he was insane.  
  
"Like a virgin," he sang, grinning happily. "Feels so good inside, when I hold you and I touch you!" He turned on her, staring at her like a predator. "When I hold you and I touch you."  
  
Sibyll screamed and ran down the hall, nearly bowling over Snape where he was hidden around the corner, balancing three crystal balls in his arms.  
  
"That was not a funny joke! He wasn't supposed to sing back! He was supposed to be frightened . . . you said he'd run away screaming and never return!" she growled at him, grabbing the crystal balls from his arms and peering into them. "I see revenge on you, Severus," she said in a low voice. "Just you wait." Then she turned and flounced down the hall, collecting random crystal balls Snape had planted as she went.  
  
Snape watched her go, then heaved a deep sigh. "Now how am I going to get rid of him?" he wondered aloud, then turned and walked down the hall.  
  
  
End 


End file.
